October is ADHD Awareness month and for people without Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder it can be difficult to grasp what it feels like for those who do. Individuals with ADHD may hear people flippantly say, “Everyone is a little bit ADHD” or dismiss their experience without compassion. However, contrary to popular misconception, ADHD is not a new term nor a medical fad. The medical condition was first mentioned in 1902 by British pediatrician Sir George Still who described “an abnormal defect of moral control in children.” He noticed that some children were unable to control their behavior the way a typical child would but were still intelligent. Originally, ADHD was known as hyperkinetic impulse disorder. It wasn’t until the late 1960s that the American Psychiatric Association (APA) formally recognized ADHD as a mental disorder. What Is ADHD? Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is a condition that affects children and young adults and can continue into adulthood. Symptoms include difficulty remaining still for long periods of time, limited attention spans, and high activity levels. You may notice that these are generally common behaviors in young children; however, the difference with children who have ADHD is that their hyperactivity and inattention are noticeably greater than that of their peers. This can lead to distress and/or problems functioning at home, school, or with friends and family. ADHD is diagnosed as one of three types:
Although some research indicates that genetics may play a factor in ADHD, scientists have yet to discover the specific cause of this mental disorder. What Are the Effects of ADHD? Many adults and young adults with ADHD do not realize they have the disorder, which can put them at a higher risk for developing other issues such as depression or anxiety. Often someone with undiagnosed ADHD will turn to substance use to self-medicate in an attempt to calm themselves or control feelings of anxiety or depression. Addiction and other compulsive habits are more likely in adults with undiagnosed ADHD than individuals in the general population are. Potential symptoms of ADHD include:
Attaining the right diagnosis and the proper treatment can transform your life. ADHD Help at The Meadows The Claudia Black Young Adult Center, a specialized treatment program of The Meadows, utilizes the Test of Variables of Attention (T.O.V.A) in the assessment protocol of its young adult patients. Essentially, T.O.V.A. is a computerized test of attention that assists in screening, diagnosis, and treatment monitoring of attention disorders, such as ADHD. T.O.V.A. complements the work of the multidisciplinary treatment team at the Claudia Black Young Adult Center. The T.O.V.A. report often accompanies a history of substance use disorders, relational trauma, anxiety disorders, and mood dysregulation. The symptoms of ADHD may at times be directly due to a substance withdrawal syndrome, the consequences of trauma or a mood disorder itself. The presence of such comorbidity complicates the diagnostic process and necessitates a careful consideration of the specifics unique to each individual’s clinical presentation. Using the T.O.V.A assessment raises the high standard of service and outcomes at the Claudia Black Young Adult Center. At The Meadows family of treatment programs, we work closely with patients to tailor treatment to best fit their unique needs. This highly specialized focus is one of the many reasons why we have successfully treated thousands of patients for over 40 years. To learn more about The Meadows or the Claudia Black Young Adult Center, please call 800-244-4949.
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In a world which is becoming increasingly reliant on the internet, exposure to the explicit sexual content lurking in its dark corner is inevitable. The fact that we have a world of information at our fingertips is as harmful as it is useful, especially to curious youngsters who are just beginning to become aware of their sexuality. Recent studies have found that a person’s first exposure to pornography happens at around age 11, with 93 percent of boys and 62 percent of girls being exposed to explicit materials before the age of 18. Studies also show that the young adult demographic regularly views pornography. Around 66 percent of young men and 18 percent of young women consume adult materials a minimum of once per week—likely more. These statistics are strikingly different from previous years; a fact we can attribute to the modern accessibility of online pornography. No longer are adult materials only available on top shelves of grocery stores or in the back rooms of video stores; instead, they are only a few clicks away. Furthermore, it is not only the nudity associated with magazines like Playboy that is readily available online, but also depictions of explicit sexual acts. Countless personal accounts have stated that early exposure to pornography on a brain which isn’t sexually mature can have crippling effects. Two-thirds of college students have stated that they feel that watching porn can be a healthy way of “exploring their sexuality.” But, what many don’t realize is that these can have a powerful, subconscious, neurobiological effect on their brains. How Porn Hot-Wires the Brain Pornography is highly addictive for a number of reasons. First, sexual arousal (from pornography or other sources) releases multiple chemicals into the brain, most notably dopamine and endorphins. These chemicals provide a sense of pleasure, craving, and a powerful emotional high on which one can become dependent. Additionally, oxytocin and vasopressin are fed to the brain; chemicals which “bind” a person’s sexual desire to the object which provided their stimulation. This process is ideal when one engages in sexual activity with their partner. When we experience these highs as a pair then come to relate one another with the pleasurable experience over time, we begin to form a natural bond. However, regular pornography viewing “hot-wires” this process. Instead of forming a connection to a person, the connection is formed to the act of viewing porn. Your brain recalls how and where this high was achieved, so whenever you desire sexual release, your brain itches for pornography again. Furthermore, pornography provides an abnormal amount of dopamine to the brain; significantly more than sexual intercourse provides. When the dopamine surge subsides, the brain craves the same amount of dopamine it had taken previously to achieve the high. However, it becomes more difficult to reach the required levels without seeking out more intense pornography. This means that the viewing of “ordinary” sexual acts begins to fail to produce the same high, forcing the viewer to become involved in an endless cycle of acquiring more and more extreme pornographic material. These skewed expectations of sexual pleasure can lead to various problems, especially at such a young age. At a time in one’s life when a person is not mentally developed enough to understand that pornography is not representative of reality, this ‘normalizes’ pornography into being the default. There are also multiple peer-related factors which lead young adults to perceive pornography as “normal.” (i.e., “everyone is doing it in pornography, therefore this must be what normal sex/relationships are like.”) It also creates an exaggerated perception of how much promiscuous sexual activity takes place in reality. Pornography’s Impact on Young Adult Relationships When a young adult who has been exposed to intense pornography eventually matures to the point that they want to begin dating romantically and forming romantic attachments to people, their preconceptions about what such relationships entail will likely be entirely distorted. Pornography rarely depicts any kind of meaningful relationship as a pre-condition to sex. It reduces relationships down its primal form: sexual activity without any kind of emotional connection. This can cause:
Studies have further shown that excessive pornography use among young adults has a direct correlation with loneliness and depression. Over the next several years, those born around the millennium will bridge into adulthood. We are already seeing the “millennial crisis” as many young adults are ill-equipped to deal with reality due to them having unrealistic expectations of adult living; much of which has been brought on by vicariously living via social media. This is another form of skewed perception through online sensationalism, and romantic relationships will play out very similarly. When they are unable to form a romantic attachment to someone because they are unaware of their pre-conceptions of relationships, they will revert back to pornography due to its ease of access, lack of demands, and the emotional release it provides. This then yields feelings of loneliness, as all they will have to rely on for fulfillment is visual images of a computer. There is also a direct correlation between excessive pornography viewing and low self-esteem. When viewing pornography, the viewer will subconsciously place themselves into the ‘beta’ role, while placing the on-screen actors as the ‘alpha’. Over time, the viewer will feel conditioned to believe themselves permanently in the ‘beta’ role (Note: this is relevant to both genders). Signs of Sex or Porn Addiction in Young Adults Suffering from an addiction to porn or sex is not always obvious—in fact, quite the opposite. Addicts often become desensitized to their symptoms. However, there are some major indicators to be aware of.
These are all symptoms of an over-reliance on pornography or sex. If any of these situations resonate with you, then please address your issues accordingly. It is important to remember that sex is a part of everyday life and is completely natural for young adults to be curious and to experiment. However, in order to develop a healthy sexuality, it is necessary for young adults to be equipped with knowledge, context, and understanding so as not to create a distorted need for sex, and an inability to create and maintain real intimacy. Sex Addiction Treatment for Young Adult Men Sexual behaviors can become particularly problematic for young men of the ages 18 – 25, frequently without them realizing it has occurred. Several factors come into play during this stage of life that can make identifying and treating the condition in this age group unique. At Gentle Path at The Meadows, our expert staff is trained to help people overcome their sexual addiction and treat underlying conditions that can fuel sexual issues. Clinical evidence suggests that additional factors such as alcohol and substance abuse, eating disorders and financial disorders often accompany — and exacerbate — sexual addiction. Gentle Path at The Meadows has the expertise to address core trauma that drives the addictive disorders as well as treat patients with cross addictions. Call 855-333-6076 to find out how we can help. Content Source Repeated Exposure to Porn in Childhood Increases Risk of Sex Addiction By Claudia Black and Leanne Lemire Leah, 22, enters treatment with a history of substance abuse since the age of 14. She also has a history of disordered eating and is addicted to Adderall. By the time she enters treatment, her use of drugs has ranged from alcohol and cocaine to a variety of speed derivatives, yet it is heroin from which she needs to detox. She has been raped more than once while under the influence and has just made her third suicide attempt. Josh, 25, is seeking help for depression. He was severely isolated in his bedroom at his parents' home, always playing video games. He has few peer relationships and lacks any motivation for attending school or getting a job. He describes his depression as experiencing a deep emptiness and darkness inside. As Josh seeks treatment for his depression, it quickly becomes apparent he is addicted to gaming and should be assessed for porn addiction as well. Sara, 19, comes to treatment wearing all dark clothing, avoids eye contact with anyone and is unable to attend school in her severe depressed state. She was adopted, which often fuels attachment disruption issues, and she experienced chronic bullying throughout her school years. At the Claudia Black Young Adult Center at The Meadows in Wickenburg, Arizona, the addictions we see run the gamut from substances to process addictions. Usually, people with addiction enter treatment identifying the most behaviorally problematic addiction, but seldom do clients show up with only one. Depression is prevalent for many young people with addiction, and depression and some form of anxiety disorder are the most common mental health issues and co-occurring diagnoses. With sound psychiatric assessment, it is not uncommon to identify an untreated bipolar disorder and conditions of attention deficit disorder and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Trauma is also pervasive in this age group. For both men and women, sexual assault has often occurred. Both in the context of their addiction and growing up years, many have been exposed to accidents and violence. Acrimonious divorce, parents with addiction, the death of a peer or family member, chronically absent or rejecting parents, and bullying are just some of the experiences that fuel their self-loathing, self-mutilation, anxiety, depression, and the desire to medicate with alcohol and other substances. When we started taking patients, our perception was that we would be addressing the stereotypical failure-to-launch experience. What we have come to realize is that those in need of treatment are not launching due to their undiagnosed addictions and mental health issues that are most often combined with unhealthy parenting practices. Core Treatment Elements At the Claudia Black Young Adult Center, we have found the following core programming elements are needed to address the complexity of this age group:
It is important to note that it is from their family that the young adult will find either their greatest support or greatest sabotage. They come into treatment very angry or distant from their parents, yet they only want to know they are loved and accepted. The flip side that we see is the severely enmeshed family relationships where learning autonomy will be critical for their recovery. For these reasons, family engagement is the foundation of what we do. The Possibilities Our clients come to treatment full of guilt, shame, self-loathing and hopelessness yet may present as arrogant, entitled and angry or overwhelmed, withdrawn and fearful. The exciting aspect of working with this age group is that with a highly mindful, well-structured program and high staff-to-patient ratio, we witness transformation. These young adults are now believing in their own self-worth, have greater coping skills, and leave with hope and concrete plans for ongoing recovery and healing. They embrace the future knowing their lives will be different and are ready to take those next needed steps. For more information on the Claudia Black Center, call 866-764-9263 or visit us online. Content Source The Complexity Of Treating Young Adults College can be an exciting time for many young adults; it is where they experience many firsts, including a new lifestyle, friends, roommates, exposure to new cultures and a wide-variety of principles and thinking. Unfortunately, when many students are unable to handle these firsts, they’re more likely to struggle. Insecure and unable to manage the new environment or adjustments they can become susceptible to depression and anxiety. In fact, the average onset for many mental health conditions is around the ages of 18 to 24, when many young adults find themselves attending college. According to the 2006 American College Health Association Survey, 45 percent of women and 36 percent of men felt so depressed that it was difficult to function. Why Do So Many Young Adults Find Themselves Struggling? Many young adults may find themselves feeling lost because the familiar people in their lives are no longer there to reinforce their identity, this leaves the student feeling disoriented and lacking confidence in their sense of self. Academic stressors can cultivate feelings of inadequacy, this combined with outside pressure of parental expectations can quite often become overwhelming to a person who is already dealing with so much going on in their lives. This combination of a lack of confidence and a precarious identity can lead young adults to make poor decisions regarding drinking and drugs. In fact, according to the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) report, Wasting the Best and the Brightest: Substance Abuse at America’s Colleges and Universities, 45 percent of college students binge drink and nearly 21 percent abuse prescription or illegal drugs. This explosion in the intensity of substance abuse among college students carries devastating consequences. Each year:
Dealing with the Aftermath Young adults ages 18 to 26 often have a perception of feeling “in-between,” knowing they are free from adolescent struggles and looking for independence. When a young adult is unable to cope with the rigors of academic life and find themselves dismissed from college, they along with their parents may not know what to do. They may be asking themselves, “How do I deal with my child’s addiction issues?” “How can I help my child resolve their traumatic experience?” or even more plainly, “How can I get my son or daughter back on track for a successful life?” It’s Time to Call the Claudia Black Young Adult Center A key to long-term recovery for young adults is finding a way to tap into an overall sense of purpose. At the Claudia Black Young Adult Center, we have developed a customized approach to target this unique population. Addictions, emotional trauma, and certain mood disorders may surface during this time period in a person’s life and may be connected to the presence of a dysregulated brainstem. The Claudia Black Young Adult Center understands the enormous complexity of how the human brain functions in young adults. We utilize proven treatments to help regulate our patients during the healing process, allowing them to embrace long-term recovery. The Claudia Black Young Adult Center in Wickenburg, Arizona, provides an intensive, experientially-based 45-day treatment program for young adults ages 18 to 26 who are struggling with unresolved emotional trauma, addiction, have a dual diagnosis or who have failed past addiction treatments. Dr. Claudia Black - renowned author, speaker, and trainer who has been working with family systems and addictive disorders since the 1970s - is the clinical architect of the Claudia Black Young Adult Center. In a safe and nurturing community composed of their peers, young adults are guided on their journey of recovery by examining the underlying causes of addiction and co-occurring disorders. The goal is for these individuals to gain the courage to face difficult issues, including grief and loss; heal from emotional trauma; and become accountable for their own feelings, behaviors, and recovery. Contact us today or call 866-286-0105 to learn more about how our world-class treatment program can empower your child and set them on a course for success. Content Source What Do I Do With My Child? Life as a teenager or young adult can be very exciting, yet along with growing independence and new beginnings, there can be quite a few challenges too. Contending with things like identity, the need for approval, self-esteem, and purpose can sometimes lead to an increased degree of anxiety, confusion, and sometimes periods of sadness or depression. Most individuals get through their teen and young adult years without any major problems. They find ways to work through the periods of anxiety or depression in healthy ways. However, there are some that find it challenging to cope with their issues. Instead of employing healthy coping skills, they may resort to picking up alcohol or drugs to cope, or they may struggle in silence, allowing the pain to slowly steal their hope and joy. For some, the struggles will lead them to experience serious depression, or perhaps, have thoughts of suicide. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention states that suicide is the third leading cause of death in America for those aged 10 to 14 and second in the age range of 15 to 34 years old. This is an overwhelming statistic because it indicates a significant number of our youth are suffering from so much pain that they feel their only escape is death. Even more disheartening is the fact that those in the LGBTQ community are twice as likely to experience severe depression and suicidal ideation. LGBTQ Young Adults and Depression Why is the rate of depression higher in the LGBTQ community? Mental health experts state that these individuals often times have additional stressors than those who are heterosexuals. These include:
Many of them simply feel as if they are not accepted in their own families or society in general. The need to fit in and feel loved unconditionally is part of human nature. When someone does not feel comfortable in their own skin or their sexuality, it can lead to intense anxiety, fear, and feelings of rejection. It can become so strong that they can begin having suicidal thoughts. Mental health can become compromised and over time, the pain can become so great that they feel their only way out is to end their lives. LGBTQ Statistics According to a report in 2013 by the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network:
In addition, according to the True Colors Fund, about 40% of those who are homeless youth are of the LGBTQ community. Help for LGBTQ Young Adults Because of the sensitive nature of the issues surrounding the LGBTQ community, mental health professionals encourage those who are struggling to reach out for expert help. There are professionals who have been specifically trained to help those who are struggling with depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts. Treatments can include:
The Claudia Black Center Is Here To Help You Are you struggling with your sexual identity or gender expression? Are you experiencing depression? If so, consider reaching out for help. You do not have to navigate your feelings alone. At the Claudia Black Young Adult Center, our competent and compassionate clinicians and therapists specialize in treating both the symptoms of depression and the underlying causes. Our program, located in the peaceful Sonoran Desert is a safe space for individuals to heal and find freedom. There is hope, and you deserve to live a life filled with peace and joy. Call 866-690-1906 or text 928-487-4018 today to speak to a representative. Content Source It Can Get Better. We Can Help Read also Approach ‘13 Reasons Why’ with Curiosity Instead of Fear Mood swings are very hard to handle especially when you don’t know the reason behind it. Mood swings could be for various reasons, but most dangerous of all is when a person is on drugs. Drugs could give mood swings that are impossible to handle. When this happens a person becomes addictive and then, can be harmful. So the big question is: which type of mood swings a person is suffering through? Well, below mentioned are following symptoms, which are caused due to prescription drug abuse.
Thus, it is advised to observe a person's behavior for 7 days and then provide help. If you feel that you, yourself or someone, have become a victim of these, do not hesitate to seek help from us. We are Claudia Black young Adult centre that provides treatment for drug abuse and alcohol addiction in Arizona. Stay safe. Content Source Which type of mood swings do drug addicts have? By Lindsay Merrell, Therapist, Remuda Ranch at The Meadows Since the years of my internship, working with patients facing suicidal thoughts has been concerning, challenging, and inspiring. Individuals struggling with such hopelessness come to professionals in desperate need of relief from what is starting to feel like an inevitable outcome. Our responsibility as professionals is to be persistently and empathically interested in the individual’s struggle. Our curiosity gives them the courage to look at the very pain they fear. Netflix’s hit TV Show 13 Reasons Why provides the audience with a window into the multitude of opportunities a community often has to intervene when an individual is living in fear of their pain. In 13 Reasons Why, the main character, Hannah, struggles with suicidal thoughts. She risks reaching out to her guidance counselor—the very person tasked with being a support to adolescence in the educational environment-- for help; but, as a result, we as an audience witness the harm that occurs when helping professionals lack curiosity. The guidance counselor dismisses Hannah’s pain and a disconnection from help occurred. The show portrays very well how the disconnection from compassionate support leads to an increase in isolation and stigma for the individual and for the community as it experiences a traumatic event. Adolescents are already at an anatomical disadvantage when it comes to seeking support. They are experiencing normal, but tumultuous hormonal changes within a neurological system that hasn’t yet developed insight into cognitive distortions or the ability to restructure distorted thoughts. As professionals, we have the opportunity to assist and educate individuals and families on how to navigate the ups and downs of the adolescent years; however, this opportunity often only comes after worrisome symptoms appear. 13 Reasons Why has given teenagers, schools, and families a framework from which to process situations which may already be occurring right under their noses, and will hopefully give them the chance to intervene before the individual’s desperation takes over. Recently, the media has reported that many parents, teachers, and counselors are concerned that 13 Reasons Why “glorifies” suicide. But, it seems to me that 13 Reasons Why could bring about more awareness on how to support an individual struggling with suicidal thoughts or how those who are struggling with suicidal thoughts can seek support. As friends, therapists, and parents, aren't we better equipped to help when we are more culturally aware and curious about the nuances individuals’ struggles? It seems unreasonable to make a judgment about the “dangers” of the show simply based on the fact that the characters in the storyline do not handle the situations in the one size fits all manner we deem best. Before her tragic death, Hannah records a series of tapes to illustrate how ignorance, fear, and judgment disconnected her, and disconnects others, from necessary interventions and support within the community. Through the lens of fear, Hannah's tapes may appear to assign blame to everyone involved; however, when fear is replaced with curiosity and empathy, can’t the tapes be viewed as an educational opportunity for the viewer? The tapes teach us that asking questions, paying attention, and speaking up can provide hope for recovery from what feels like insurmountable pain. Fear of judgment from peers and adults coupled with the stigma around asking for support unnecessarily leads adolescents to suppress their perceived realities to struggle through it alone more than they have to. This often leads to the manifestation of eating disorders, substance abuse, self-harm, and suicidal ideation. The challenge for the individual and the community portrayed in the show is the suppression of the struggling individual’s perceived reality and the ultimate lack of awareness of the real pain of that struggle. Compassion’s enemy is fear. It paralyzes people and prevents them from helping those who struggle with suicidal ideation. Let’s not allow ourselves to be paralyzed by the fear of what 13 Reasons Why could teach young people; instead, let use it to teach ourselves how to be more compassionate, how to best offer the support that is needed, and how to stay curious and ask questions that can help lead those suffering to peace. 13 Reasons Why is a show that illuminates the difficulties adolescents face. As adults, when we put our fear aside and become curious, we open the door to protecting a vulnerable individual from a life-altering decision and breathe hope back into those we care about. Content Source Approach ‘13 Reasons Why’ with Curiosity Instead of Fear Human beings make about 35,000 conscious decisions every day. Each one of those decisions, no matter how small, is likely to have an impact on someone, somewhere, in some way. But, we typically have no idea what kind of impact our choices have made on the world around us. If you decide to have lunch at the local deli, you’ve made an impact on the success of the deli owner’s business. And, the way you interacted with the staff may have played a role in shaping their outlook on their work that day. If you were gracious, they may have felt a sense of pride in helping others, which may have had a ripple effect on the level of kindness and care they showed to other customers after you. If you are struggling with addiction and unresolved trauma and you decide not to seek treatment, your decision will likely impact others in much more negative ways. If your relationships seem to be falling apart in the face of your drinking, drug use, depression and/or anxiety, today may be the day for you to make the most important decision of your daily 35,000. Are you going to choose to continue on this way, holding on to your pain and acting out in ways that can have devastating effects on the people you love? Or are you going to get treatment, and start a ripple effect of happiness and healing in your world? Those of us at Meadows Behavioral Healthcare want to help you start the right ripple effect. In honor of Pay it Forward Day—an international initiative to create a huge ripple effect of kindness around the world—we’re reducing the cost for our 45-day inpatient treatment programs by thousands of dollars for A LIMITED TIME. Call 866-331-3368 and mention the Pay It Forward offer for more information. We hope that by giving more people access to our high-quality, scientifically-tested, and individualized treatment methods, we can help start the powerful ripple effect of recovery throughout the world. Our internationally renowned experts in trauma and addiction can not only help you overcome your trauma-related issues and/or addiction, they can also show you how to treat yourself the love and kindness in a way that will ripple and flow through your life and relationships. Please call 866-331-3368 today to take advantage of this special offer. When you change yourself, you change the world. Content SourceWe’re Paying it Forward with a Special Offer A male’s body and its functioning are different than a female body. So the alcohol addiction and its consequences are different. In this gender-biased society, there are still few things that are a big challenge for women. So, Claudia Black – Arizona's Alcohol Rehab Arizona brings you the difference in alcohol habits of men and women. As said, women are more vulnerable to alcohol than men because their immunity is quite lesser than males. They have a more impaired vision as compared to male because alcohol mixes with the blood easily. The organs of females are a target as they are not immune to alcohol. Women are also sensitive and emotional rather than men which could give alcohol chance to show more of its effect. There may be a possibility of violence and trauma for women because of alcoholic effects. She is unable to control her emotions as well as actions. In general, women have less body water than men of similar body weight, so that women achieve higher concentrations of alcohol in the blood after drinking equivalent amounts of alcohol. Women also develop alcohol-induced liver disease over a shorter period of time than men even after consuming less alcohol than men. These above mentioned are few reasons why females are more vulnerable to men. So, come to Claudia Black young adult center for treatment of any kind of drug addiction. Claudia Black specializes in all kinds of young adult addiction issues for male as well as female. Do not be ashamed to come to us because a female is an important jewel to the family as good as men. Content Source Why are Females more Vulnerable to Alcohol Addiction than Males? Excerpted from the book Changing Course by Claudia Black, Ph.D., Senior Fellow at The Meadows Many times abandonment issues are fused with distorted, confused, or undefined personal boundaries. We experience abandonment when parents have a distorted sense of boundaries, their boundaries and ours. They want us to like what they like, dress like they dress, and feel as they do. If we in any way express differences from our parents, or make different choices than they would, we know we run the risk of rejection. How many of us attended colleges that our parents chose for us? How many of us married who we did or when we did because that was expected or desired by our parents? Having done what our parents expected, wanted, or demanded does not mean that it was the wrong thing to do. It just means that the decision was never totally ours. Certainly, many people do exactly what their parents don’t want them to do. Often this is an attempt to be a separate person. We choose to marry the person they would like the least, or simply choose to not attend college at all. It is not the outcome that is the issue as much as it is the decision-making process. Instead of choosing freely, we make a reactive decision based in anger. When parents hold children responsible for what should be their responsibility, they are expecting something impossible of a child. In effect, they are telling children that they have more power than they truly have, setting them up to experience futility and inadequacy. Many times parents develop relationships with their children in which they are their friends, their peers, their equals. In doing so, they share information that is not age-appropriate for a child. Inappropriate information often creates a sense of burden, or even guilt, for children. That is not fair. When parents are disrespectful of their children's boundaries and violate them, the message given is that they don't value the child as a person. That message becomes internalized as "I am not of value. I am not worthy." When parents don't acknowledge children's boundaries, the message they give is "You are here to meet my needs," and/or "I am more important than you," and/or "It is not okay to be your own person with individual feelings, desires, or needs." When children experience chronic abandonment with distorted boundaries, they live in fear and doubt about their worth. The greater the clarity a child has around boundaries, understanding who is responsible for what, and the greater a child's self-esteem, the more likely a child will be able to reject, rather than internalize, shameful behaviors and messages. As children we cannot reject parents, because they are so desperately needed. Instead, we take on the burden of being wrong or bad. In doing this, we purge parents of being wrong or hurtful, which reinforces a sense of security. In essence, outer safety is purchased at the price of inner security. What we must understand now is that our abandonment experiences and boundary violations were in no way indictments of our innate goodness and value. Instead, they revealed the flawed thinking, false beliefs, and impaired behaviors of those who hurt us. Still, the wounds were struck deep in our young hearts and minds, and the very real pain can still be felt today. The causes of our emotional injury need to be understood and accepted so we can heal. Until we do, the pain will stay with us, becoming a driving force in our adult lives. Content Source When Parents Have a Distorted Sense of Boundaries |